ENGLISH - WRITTEN AND SPOKEN

ENGLISH SPELLING

 

This clever poem shows why our English spelling cannot be reformed and why it must stay as it is.  Words are symbols which must be decoded.  If you will read the poem out loud, it makes perfect sense.  But the spelling of the words, which are incorrect (yet meaningfully valid) will be confusing.

 

 

Candidate For a Pullet Surprise
By Mark Eckman and Jerrold H. Zar

I halve a spelling checker, It came with my pea see,
It plane lee marks four my revue, Miss steaks aye dew knot sea.

Eye ran this poem threw it, Your sure reel glad two no,
Its vary polished in it's weight, My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a blessing, It freeze yew lodes of thyme,
It helps me right awl stile two reed, And aides me when eye rime.

Each frays come posed up on my screen, Eye trussed too bee a joule,
The checker pours o'er every word, To cheque sum spelling rule.

Bee fore a veiling checker's hour mite decline,
And if we're lacks oar have a laps, We wood bee maide too wine.

Butt now bee cause my spelling, Is checked with such grate flare,
Their are know fault's with in my cite, Of nun eye am a wear.

Now spelling does knot phase me, It does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den, With wrapped word's far as hear.

To rite with care is quite a feet, Of witch won should be proud.
And wee mussed dew the best wee can, Sew flaw's are knot aloud.

Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays, such soft wear four pea seas,
And why eye brake in two averse, Buy righting want too pleas.

The Story Behind the Poem

This clever poem has been all over the Internet in various forms, called everything from "Ode to a Spell Checker" to "Spellbound," and usually attributed to "Sauce unknown." The opening lines were written by Mark Eckman in 1991. And Dr. Jerrold H. Zar, Biology Professor at Northern Illinois University, expanded the short version to what it is today in 1992.

 

 

SCANDINAVIANS CONDENSING GOSPEL [EP]

Scandinavian Christian group is translating parts of Scripture in the most up-to-date language of young Norwegians: condensed text messages for cell phones.  “We hope to inspire increased Bible use, so this is a way in with young people,” sad Anders Torvill Bjorvand of Oslo, Norway’s Gospel Speak Internet site.  Nearly every Norwegian teen has a cell phone, and communicating using Short Message Service (SMS) has become so popular that a hyper-condensed language has been created, using code words, abbreviations, and symbols.  Bjorvand demonstrated the translation technique, using the Lord’s Prayer: “Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed by thy name.  Thy kingdom come.”  (SMS  Fthr n hvn.  U r holy.  Come.); “Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.  Give us this day our daily bread.”  (SMS  rule earth as hvn.  Giv us food.); “And forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.  And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.”  (SMS  Frgv our wrongs.  keep temptation n evil from us.); “For thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory forever.  Amen.”  (SMS  All is yours.  U rul in glory.  Amn.)

 

Fthr n hvn.  U r holy.  Come.  rule earth as hvn.   Giv us food.  Frgv our wrongs.  keep temptation n evil from us. All is yours.  U rul in glory.  Amn.

 

 

BRITISH ENGLISH

R. D. ICE

The English have a witty, humorous approach to language.  Here are some common proverbs rewritten by Montague Butler.

 

"A single member of the avian race,

That the prehensile digits fast embrace

The mercantile equivalent achieves

Of two at large amid arboreal leaves."

        

"Teach not your parent's mother to extract

The embryo juices of an egg by suction:

That good old lady can the feat enact

Quite irrespective of your kind instruction.

        

"The ferrous form is more than warm,

And ruddy glowings light it:

Don't wait until it starts to chill,

But smite it."

        

"The early worm goes forth with zeal

To give the hungry bird a meal.

His brother has no such intention,

And lives to draw his old age pension.

        

"Bear not to glutted cellars near the Tyne

The carbonaceous products of the mine."

        

"Observe yon plumed biped fine!

To effect his captivation

Deposit particles saline

Upon his termination."

        

"Where fluvial aggregations lie

Uncorrigated to the eye,

Their currents, one infers, may be

Impressive in profundity."

        

"Despise not wealth, nor heap on it abuse,

For cash and filthy lucre have their use.

Pecuniary agencies have force

To stimulate to speed the female horse."

               

"Who sums the yet unfractured shell of bipeds gallinaceous

Is apt to find his calculations woefully fallacious.”

        

"Thinking thine equine friend in noontide heat

Draughts from the cool and rippling rill desires,

Stand not amazed, if the ungrateful beast

merely to see his mirrored face aspires."

        

"A superfluity of culinary aid

Will mar the gastronomic juice

of osseous tissues made."

 

 

      THE COCKNEY,  Andre Deutsch Ltd.,  London,  Julian Franklyn,  author

 

         OSTENTATIOUS SLANG:

"Mr. Jones nabs the chance of putting his customers awake, that he has  just made his escape from Russia,  not forgetting to clap his mawleys upon some of the right sort of Ducks,  to make single and double-backed Slops  for gentlemen in Black, when on his return home he was stunned to find one of the top manufacturers in Manchester had cut his lucky and stepped off to the Swan stream,  leaving behind him a valuable stock  of moleskins, Cords, Velveteens, Plushes, Swansdowns,  &c., and I having some ready in the Kick, grabbed the chance, and stepped home with my swag, and am now landed at my crib.   I can turn out toggery of every description very slap-up,  at the following low prices for Ready Gilt  - Tick being no go.”

        

In a public-house,  under normal circumstances, a request for a pint of  'brown’  or  of  'wallop'  will be made; but in the presence of  an  'observer',  when the Cockney uses his rhyming slang excessively and ostentatiously,  partly to mystify and partly to establish his own superiority,  the request will be for a Walter Scott (pot) of pig’s ear (beer) . He may add that he will not get Elephant's trunk  (drunk) on it because it is half fisherman's daughter (water); but if he does he can be sure his trouble and strife (wife) will soon pick him up off the Rory O More  (floor) and get him into Uncle Ned (bed).  He may abbreviate this:  "Gimme a Walter of pig's.   I won't get  elephant's,  because it  is half fisherman's.   Me trouble would pick me off the Rory and get me into Uncle."

 

        

   SLANG - COLLOQUIAL:

"So she says  - Dick, I reckon there's a mouse in the cupboard- so what do I do?   I goes down to Jack and I says -  Jack,  I want to borrow your old tom-mog and I'll  tell yeh for why - I reckon we got a mouse.   So he says to me - Dick - 'e says - I don't mind you borrowing our old mog,  he’s a grand mouser, he is, but I don't reckon you'll be able to get hold of him.     I'll tell you for why, he says - so  I says  - 'ere, arf a mo before you go on,  I  says  - I  bet  I'll get him.   So he says - arf a mo yourself, listen here: you won't get him, I'll  tell you for why.   He's up the tree down the road after a sparrow.

 

So I goes back and she says  - where yehu been?   So I  says I been down to Jack's  to get the cat.   Yers - she says - I don't think;  you've been to have one with Jack  that's where you've been.   So I  says, says I - listen here, I says -  I couldn't get no cat because why? Because he's up a tree after sparrows."